Messy

I slammed the book down and said “WAIT.” The littlest one was attached to me and the bigger one was repeatedly throwing the book at me and saying “Mama wanna read this book.” Like bro, I get it but I’m in the middle of something here. I asked him to stop and to wait two or three times and then I was done. I’m an enneagram five... it takes a lot for me to lose my cool. It had been a long day. 

I told him I needed a break, and with the littlest one still attached I went into my room and closed the door. I just needed a minute or I was really gonna lose it, and that helps no one. 

He was screaming and crying outside the door. “Mama, wanna read this book.” I could tell he was laying on the floor trying to see under the door. And then I saw his chubby little fingers push the book under the door... “Mama, wanna read this book?” He said in his little voice. 

Cue the mom guilt. 

I have an uncanny ability to both feel my emotions and observe them at the same time. As the mom guilt descended, I thought to myself “Great, now I get to feel mom guilt on top of everything else, just what I needed.” 

When we both calmed down I opened the door and read him the book. A short while later he started throwing wooden animals at my head saying “You want this!” After I had explained to him more than once that no, I do not in fact want those animals. At that point I turned the tv on because holy shit, I’m gonna let Magic School Bus babysit you for a half hour. 

I text the Viking and gave him a heads up on what he was coming home to. His two year old watching TV at a super random time of the day, and his wife laying in bed crying feeling sorry for herself. And no, dinner was definitely not started. (Side note, why does stuff like this always happen at 4:30pm?) 

This was not the life I signed up for. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again. Stay at home momming is not my dream job. I’ve often wondered if situations like this would be easier if I had wanted to do this. (Stay at home moms, any insight on this?) Like whenever I have a hard day would I just think, “Welp, this is what I wanted...” and get over it? 

As it is, the fact that this isn’t what I want to be doing with my life makes it so hard. I’m finding myself feeling jealous of the Viking because he “gets” to go to work every day, and making everything a “who’s life sucks more” competition in our relationship (clearly I win in my fake competition that he doesn’t even know he’s competing in... yay me).

When the Viking got home, he held me while I cried and told him about ALL THE FEELINGS and he took Ransom off my hands so I could cook dinner in peace. He was super supportive, because *surprise* your partner can more easily be supportive if they know what’s going on with you. Something I forget wayyy to easily. 

I don’t have a nice little lesson about this situation for you. I can’t wrap it up and tie it with a bow to fit into the Instagram square. Life is really messy. Motherhood is really messy. Postpartum is really messy. My hair is really messy. 

....did I shower today?