Reluctant Mother

Everything about this blog is reluctant. I didn’t want to write this. I don’t want to write this now, but something is tugging at me. The words are tumbling out easily, something that generally doesn’t happen to me. I struggle to give words to the complexities of my thoughts and feelings, and yet here they are pouring out of me.

Im reluctant to share these words. I carry a fear of being misunderstood on my shoulders at all times. Floating these thoughts, feelings, and words out onto the internet for God-knows-who to read is terrifying. Im reluctant because It’s painful to be misunderstood. Im reluctant because of fear.

I was reluctant to become a mother for the same reason. Fear of pregnancy, fear of not being good enough, fear of doing it wrong, fear of taking care of a child, fear of breastfeeding, fear of birth. Above all, fear of losing my freedom.

I’ve never thought of myself as a fearful person, but Im coming to realize that fear is a terrible ruler in my life, and I’m ready to lead a rebellion. So, in spite of all my reluctance here I am, publishing a blog. A mom blog of all things.

God really does have a sense of humor, you guys.

If you are new around here, I’d suggest starting with this post.